ok i think i am a pretty thoughtful person. i can be anyway. when i go grocery shopping i actually go out of my way to buy things for the people that spend time at my house. i spend my money on things that i wouldnt touch with a ten foot pole and shouldnt be classified as food if it were up to me. but i do it because they like it. and thats enough of a reason for me. and then i also buy things that i like. obviously. i figured it out just now and realized that i spend more money on 'their' food than i do on 'my' food. now it is 6:50am. im starving. i look in my cupboards and see nothing that i would eat - even though somehow i havent actually eaten any of the things that i would eat - all i see are things that i specifically bought for them to eat so that i might get to eat what i bought for myself to eat when i want to eat it. what makes it even worse is that they dont even like the things that i like and yet for some reason they forced themselves to eat it before eating the things that they do enjoy - thereby making everyone not happy. this is not just one person either. even though he is the one that ate every single one of my ten pound bag of wine gums that i bought thinking they would last until bloody christmas when in fact they did not even last two weeks. but thats only a small portion (unlike the winegums) of what is feeding (or not) my frustration this morning. im going to bed hungry. thanks guys.

polaroid announced a couple weeks ago that it is no longer going to produce instant film (or any film really cause fuji is the only one left for that).

for the people that need the white frame in order to feel photogenic they are now offering a digital picture frame that looks just like an old school photo

it has a card reader in the bottom so you can actually see a slide show of your pix as if they were polaroids!

barf. that makes me so sick.

i realize that mr polaroid has been running his company for a long time now and it seems as though he might have been doing a pretty good job

but can someone please let him know that he has missed the fucking point completely.

 

what about all the blackmail evidence?

i havent been blogging much. ive had lots to say but everytime i try to organize my thoughts they always lead back to maitai. its easier to watch pointless short movies, sort through pics of chisai, talk to friends on im, or go to bed than it is to deal with my emotions. its not really like me to take the easy way out but this time its different. cause the hard way isnt fun. it isnt just me being stubborn for the sake of being stubborn. it doesnt make me physically stronger. and it doesnt get any easier. if anything it gets harder. another day passes and it sinks in a little deeper that i'll never hear her voice again. or see her face. as much as we both pretended that it was me that was always taking care of her, but really, she was the one making sure i was ok. i think sometimes she did it on purpose just so i would feel important.

 

ive been doing things that are seemingly out of character but hopefully part of the new kalster. ive been cooking (styrofoam meals are losing their appeal and ive made more meals this month than i have in the past five years combined). i baked cookies today. ive been walking instead of driving (thanks phaedra for the inspiration). ive been clearing out some of my clutter (four van loads so far and plenty of give-aways at home). i taught myself how to use a grease gun last night - while wearing white (note to self - quit buying white things).

 

its spring time. even if the temperatures did drop below zero last night. its sunny today. im going to the island tomorrow to visit jim cause its his birthday. theres a full moon party in duncan on thursday night but im not sure if ill be able to make it or not. its nice to know that the season has begun. i know chisai is excited to go camping. i can tell by the way she wags her tail (happy dog happy dog).

 

theres a big drum n bass show tonite at the plaza. didnt get much zzzz today but im excited nonetheless. and on that note - im off.

 

ps. not sure if i mentioned it yet but cherry blossoms are full bloom - i must remember to see the rhododendrons before its too late!

the clocks sprung forward.

the cherry blossoms have magically appeared yet again.

i miss maitai so fucking much right now.

i hate saying things like its not fair.

and sounding like a spoiled little brat.

but it is not fair.

i miss her ramblings

i miss her love and concern

i miss her reality checks

i miss hearing her ooooooooooooooooooooooooo's!

i never got a chance to say goodbye.

but i probably wouldnt have been able to anyway.

i keep seeing her in the sunsets

and even more in the rise.

i have a hard time getting out of bed lately.

nothing really seems worth seeing or doing.

but i know thats not what she wants for me.

and so i'll try.

for miss maitai.

thanks buddies.

over 9000 kuf fuks.

tank-u.

so i bought this book on clutter because i suppose i have a few too many of a few too many things.

i spent the whole day going through one of my storage lockers and sorting and getting rid of and giving away stuff.

at the end of the day i didnt even have to push on the door while locking it!

and i even kept my wheelchair.

i havent seen any cherry blossoms yet.

but i have seen some cops on motorbikes.

and i have noticed a correlation between the two in years past.

so the cherry blossoms will be here any minute.

i cant wait.